Field Report: Imaginary Emotional Support Dog Assigned to Man

BREAKING: Man Assigned Emotional Support Dog to Help Discern Reality: Dog Does Not Exist

By Chase N. Tails – The Sincere Times

SANTA FE, NM: In a bold new frontier of cognitive therapy, 38-year-old Derek Langford has been prescribed an Emotional Support Dog to help him distinguish what is real from what is not. The program, funded by a state mental wellness grant titled Project Grounded, is being hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough in mental health. There’s just one small catch: the dog is imaginary.

Langford, a former freelance crystal consultant and part-time Flat Earth community moderator, began questioning reality after a series of intense “quantum awakening” retreats and a YouTube spiral that lasted three weeks and six conspiracy timelines. That’s when Dr. Nina Dorr, his mental health counselor, introduced the concept of “Schrödinger’s Retriever.”

“The idea,” explained Dr. Dorr, adjusting glasses that did not exist, “is to create an emotional anchor for Derek—something constant, loyal, and sensible—like a golden retriever, but without the physical presence. That way, if Derek sees something on the news and isn’t sure if it’s real, he can ask himself: ‘Did the dog react?’ If the answer is no, then it’s probably not real.”

Langford has reportedly named the invisible dog “Socrates,” and now consults it several times a day.

“Last week I saw a headline that said birds aren’t real and are actually government surveillance drones,” Langford said, petting the air beside him. “Socrates just gave me this look—like, you know, that look—and I knew it was bullsh*t.”

Critics argue that giving mentally unstable individuals imaginary animals might backfire, citing the case of a man in Boise who insisted his emotional support meerkat advised him to buy 400 pounds of freeze-dried lasagna.

But supporters of Project Grounded say the program has yielded positive results. “Reality’s gotten weird,” said Dr. Dorr. “If imaginary dogs are what it takes to keep people grounded, then by all means, let them bark at fake news.”

When asked whether he would ever consider getting a real dog, Langford shook his head. “Real dogs poop,” he said. “Socrates only drops metaphors.”

For more on this story, turn to page 9: “Invisible Goldendoodles May Be the Future of Bipartisan Politics.”