RED BULL
A Paid Advertisement
Upbeat music. People are doing things. Incredible things. A man finished his dissertation. A woman is skateboarding somewhere she probably shouldn’t be skateboarding. Someone is reorganizing a garage at 3am and has never felt more purposeful.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Music continues. Everyone is very happy. The man has started a second dissertation.
[Music fades slightly. Second voice enters. It is faster now.]
Red Bull Energy Drink contains caffeine, taurine, B vitamins, and a level of confidence not suitable for all situations. Do not take Red Bull if you are already certain you are right about everything, as this may worsen. Side effects include wings, audacity, sending the email, sending a follow up email clarifying the first email, reorganizing something that did not need reorganizing, starting a conversation that should have waited until morning, and a powerful certainty that now is the correct time to have that conversation.
Red Bull may give you attitude. Patients have reported unsolicited opinions, an inability to let small things go, and a brief but intense period of believing they could be a DJ.
Do not operate heavy machinery, enter into financial agreements, or text an ex while experiencing wings.
Tell your doctor if you experience confidence lasting more than four hours. Tell your friends immediately, as they will need to prepare.
Red Bull is not responsible for the garage. You know which garage.
If you experience wings while already airborne, consult an aviation professional.
“I’m sorry. That was the Red Bull talking.”
Red Bull is not able to confirm or deny that it was the Red Bull talking. It was the Red Bull talking.
Red Bull. Gives you wings.
The man has moved on to reorganizing his neighbor’s garage. The neighbor is helping. Neither of them knows why.
Red Bull should be used only as directed. There are no directions.