App: The Knot (Wedding Guest Reviews)
Event: The Red Wedding (House Frey)
Rating: ★☆☆☆☆ (1/5)
Verified Guest: Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully
Event Date: The 3rd Century AC
Relationship to Couple: Uncle of the Groom
Vibe: "Rustic Massacre"
Review
I have been to many sieges, battles, and forced marches, and this was by far the most poorly managed evening I have ever endured.
The venue itself is a damp, drafty eyesore. Lord Walder Frey has the architectural taste of a swamp rat and the temperament of a kicked dog. The acoustics in the hall were abysmal; you couldn't hear the toasts over the sound of the house band playing "The Rains of Castamere" for the fortieth time in a row. A bit on the nose, wouldn't you say?
The catering was an insult. The bread was stale, the salt was bitter, and the wine tasted like it had been sitting in a cellar since the Age of Heroes. I’ve had better meals in a muddy trench during a blizzard.
The "entertainment" was the real deal-breaker. Most weddings end with a dance or a drunken song; this one ended with the band dropping their flutes for crossbows and the host violating every law of hospitality ever written. If you’re looking for a venue that respects the "Guest Right," keep walking. These people wouldn't know honor if it hit them in the face with a morning star.
The only reason I’m giving this one star instead of zero is that the exit strategy was quite effective—though jumping into a river in the middle of the night wasn't exactly the "grand finale" I was expecting.
Favorite Quotes
> "I need to find a tree to piss against."
> "The laws of hospitality are not a suggestion, Walder."
> "I'm a Tully. We don't die in dining rooms."
Interests
Tactical Retreats, Family Duty, Archery, Avoiding Old Men with Grudges.
To book your own "unforgettable" evening at The Twins, use coupon code GUEST_RIGHT_EXPIRED at checkout for a 20% discount on crossbow-resistant formal wear.