Name: Nancy Thompson
Review: Katja Institute (Springwood, OH)
Rating: ★☆☆☆☆ (1/5)
The Good:
The coffee. If you’re planning on staying awake for seventy-two hours straight to avoid being sliced to ribbons by a scorched man in a Christmas sweater, you need a high-octane brew. They have a decent supply of caffeine, and the monitors are high-tech enough to show your friends dying in real-time while the doctors tell you you’re just having a "bad dream."
The Bad:
The "medical oversight" is a joke. I came in here for help with a chronic sleep disorder—specifically, a homicidal squatter living in my subconscious—and the staff decided the best course of action was to pump me full of Hypnocil and tell me to "relax." It’s hard to relax when your fellow patients are being dragged across the ceiling by invisible forces.
The security is also incredibly lax. My friend Glen was basically turned into a human geyser in his own bed while the night shift was probably off grabbing a donut. If you’re looking for a facility that will ignore your very specific, very lethal warnings about a child murderer with finger-knives, this is the place for you. They’re more interested in "dream suppression" than actually keeping people alive.
The Service:
Condescending. Dr. King acts like a blood-stained hat is just a "symbol of repressed trauma" rather than a piece of physical evidence I literally pulled out of a dream.
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Comments:
@Glen_Lantz: I don't think I'm going to make it to my follow-up appointment, Nancy. The reception in this room is terrible.
@Dr_King_Official: Nancy, we’ve discussed this. The "hat" was likely a manifestation of your own anxiety. Please take your sedative.
@Freddy_K_Official: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Great buffet. The teenagers are a bit jumpy, but the atmosphere is to die for.
@Marge_Thompson: Nancy, come home. I’ve put bars on the windows and started hiding vodka in the closet. It’s much safer here.
Promo Code: NEVER_SLEEP_AGAIN_1428