Review of The Labyrinth
⭐☆☆☆☆ — Sarah W..
Verified visitor
First of all, I did not choose to come here. I want to be upfront about that. I made an offhand comment in my bedroom while babysitting and suddenly my brother was gone and I was standing in a field outside an enormous hedge maze with no map, no phone, and no snacks.
Getting there: No clear directions. A worm pointed me toward a wall that wasn’t actually a wall, which I appreciated, but that’s not something a first-time visitor should have to figure out on their own. Signage is nonexistent. One-star for navigation alone.
The staff: Mixed. Hoggle was helpful once he got over himself. Ludo is an absolute sweetheart and I would die for him. Sir Didymus is unhinged but in a way I respect. The goblins are chaotic and seemed to be running the entire operation unsupervised, which explains a lot.
The attractions: The Bog of Eternal Stench is not listed anywhere in the brochure. There is no brochure. If there were a brochure, the Bog would need a very serious warning label. Possibly its own pamphlet.
The Helping Hands: I do not want to talk about the Helping Hands.
The Escher room: Visually stunning. Genuinely impressive. Deeply impractical. I was running on no sleep and had to navigate it while being emotionally manipulated by a man in extraordinary trousers. Not ideal conditions for an M.C. Escher situation.
The ballroom sequence: Okay this part was actually beautiful and the dress was incredible and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Four stars for the ballroom. He clearly spent real money on the ballroom.
The host: Jareth is charismatic in a way that I think he has been told about too many times. The hair is genuinely remarkable. He offered me a peach at one point and I want to be clear that I did not eat the peach, and if you visit here, you should also not eat the peach. Do not eat anything he hands you. This should be posted at the entrance.
Overall experience: I solved the Labyrinth in 13 hours, retrieved my brother, and told the Goblin King he had no power over me, which worked. So technically the system functions as intended. But the emotional labor required was enormous and I was fifteen.
Would I recommend it? Only if you have unresolved feelings about growing up, a high tolerance for surrealism, and absolutely no other options.
Would I go back?
…
Well, he dress really was incredible.
⭐⭐☆☆☆ — two stars. One for Ludo. One for the ballroom.
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