Review: Jurassic Park by Dr. Alan Grant

Name: Dr. Alan Grant
Review: Jurassic Park (Isla Nublar)
Rating: ⭐☆☆☆☆ (1/5)

The Good:
The science is, quite frankly, a miracle. I spent my career studying animals that have been extinct for sixty-five million years, and for exactly four minutes, I stood in a paddock with a living Brachiosaurus and forgot every concern I’ve ever had. Those were the best four minutes of my professional life. The infrastructure is also impressive; the Visitor Center is beautiful and the tour vehicles are state-of-the-art—provided you don't mind sitting in them during a tropical storm while the power is out.

The Bad:
The safety systems didn't just fail; they collapsed systematically because a man in a Hawaiian shirt decided to reboot the entire island for a payday. I am a fifty-year-old paleontologist, and I spent my "consultation" climbing trees in the rain to avoid being eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I was also placed in charge of the owner's grandchildren, which was not in my contract and required an emotional bandwidth I simply do not possess. 

The Velociraptors were, as I predicted, a significant issue. It’s hard to enjoy the "miracle of life" when that life is actively hunting you through a commercial kitchen. John Hammond "spared no expense" on the spectacle, but he clearly cut corners on the psychological stability of his IT department and basic fence maintenance. 

The Service:
The tour was cut short by a localized apocalypse. I’m going back to Montana to dig up bones that stay where I put them.

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Comments:
@John_Hammond: We spared no expense, Alan!
@Dr_Ian_Malcolm: Life found a way, John. It found a way to the buffet line, and we were the main course. 
@Lex_Murphy: I fixed the Unix system! Also, I’m a vegetarian now.
@Dr_Ellie_Sattler: The Triceratops was magnificent, but the lack of a proper evacuation plan was... noted.

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