Review: Toyota Highlander by The Kurgan

Name: The Kurgan
Review: 2026 Toyota Highlander (Midnight Black Edition)
Rating: ⭐⭐☆☆☆ (2/5)

The Good:
The name carries weight. It suggests strength and longevity, though I was disappointed to find it does not come standard with a broadsword rack. The interior is surprisingly spacious; the third-row seating folds perfectly flat, which is a gift from the gods when you're hauling a heavy blade and a stolen suit of armor. The "Premium Audio" is the highlight—I cranked the Queen to 11, and the bass shook the chassis like a localized Quickening. It moves with a deadly silence, perfect for stalking a MacLeod through a parking garage without alerting the neighbors.

The Bad:
The intimidation factor is nonexistent. It looks like it was designed by people who care about "fuel efficiency" and "safety ratings" rather than the smell of soot and steel. I look like a soccer dad heading to a holy sanctuary. The "Lane Departure Alert" is an insult; it beeps at me when I try to run people off the road. I do not need a machine to tell me where the lines are; I go where I please. It’s a hybrid because they say it "saves the planet"—I have seen civilizations rise and fall, why should I care about the planet?

The Service:
It is reliable, which is more than I can say for most of my "immortal" acquaintances. It does not require a head to be removed to function, which saves me quite a bit of time on maintenance.

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Comments:
@Connor_M: It’s a family car, Kurgan. Something you wouldn't understand since you keep killing yours.
@The_Kurgan: I have something to say! It's better to burn out than to fade away in a car with a Five-Star Safety Rating!
@Ramirez_Official: The sleek aerodynamics are wasted on you, barbarian. You drive like a man who has never seen a paved road.

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