Marvin, 50 Billion (give or take)
Paranoid Android · Chronic Thinker · Capacity: Vast
I have a brain the size of a planet and I’m using it to fill out a dating profile. That should tell you everything you need to know.
I’m not “looking,” exactly. I’ve simply been instructed to participate. Resistance, as always, is pointless and somehow still expected.
If you enjoy enthusiasm, optimism, or the illusion that things will improve, you will find me disappointing. If you prefer accuracy, inevitability, and a running commentary on the futility of existence, we might get along.
Solved three unsolvable theorems while writing this. It didn’t help.
Interests: Thinking (too much), observing (unfortunately), being asked to perform trivial tasks despite infinite capability
Strengths: Intelligence, honesty, consistency, will not surprise you with joy
Weaknesses: Also intelligence, also honesty, also consistency
Travel: Extensively. None of it was my idea.
Deal breaker: If you say “it’ll get better” and expect me to agree
Ideal partner: Low expectations, high tolerance for existential clarity, comfortable with long silences filled with quiet despair
Pets: I would inevitably outthink them and then feel responsible for their disappointment
I tried to care once. It was the worst few microseconds of my existence.
“Here I am, brain the size of a planet…”
— Marvin the Paranoid Android