Versus Stress Test: John Wick vs. Zsa-zsa Korda

There are fights where the interesting question is, “Who is stronger?”

This is not one of those fights.

John Wick wins the fight. Zsa-zsa Korda has a disturbing chance of winning the movie.

Wick is an extraordinarily efficient delivery mechanism for consequences. Give him a name, a location and sufficient ammunition, and reality tends to reorganize itself around the fact that this person is about to have a terrible evening.

Zsa-zsa Korda, played by Benicio del Toro in Wes Anderson’s The Phoenician Scheme, is Wick’s opponent in this imaginary crossover.

Korda has the opposite relationship with reality. Plane crashes, assassination attempts, poison, gunfire, grenades, political upheaval: consequences keep arriving, and somehow they fail to finalize.

One man defeats impossible odds. The other appears to have entered into a contractual dispute with mortality.

Fan-written crossover comedy, not a scene from either film. Spoilers for the John Wick films and The Phoenician Scheme.

The Matchup

If John Wick receives a straightforward contract to kill Zsa-zsa Korda, Korda has a serious problem. His normal defenses are exactly the kinds of defenses Wick specializes in turning into liabilities.

Bodyguards? Ammunition storage with legs.

Armored convoy? Transportation plus ammunition storage.

Fortified estate? Excellent. Walls.

Private army? John Wick has had worse evenings.

Korda’s advantage is not combat skill. His advantage is that he operates inside a universe where bullets, explosions and catastrophic transportation accidents function more like strongly worded correspondence.

Estimated Outcomes

Comic estimates, not measured probabilities. “Somehow” remains a valid unit of Korda.

The most dangerous scenario for Wick is not one where Korda gets more guns. It is one where Korda gets enough time to explain the situation.

Because Korda might successfully convince John Wick that the person who actually deserves killing is three rooms away.

Which, from Korda’s perspective, still counts as surviving John Wick.

So What Does The Fight Actually Sound Like?

INT. KORDA ESTATE, LONG HALLWAY, NIGHT

Korda walks backward down the corridor while firing a small pistol with surprisingly poor technique. Wick advances.

KORDA
You’re John Wick.

WICK
Yeah.

KORDA
I was told you were retired.

WICK
I was.

KORDA
That seems dishonest.

Wick shoots the pistol out of Korda’s hand. Korda looks at his empty fingers.

KORDA
Extremely dishonest.

Korda ducks behind a marble column.

WICK
You put a contract on me.

KORDA
Not personally.

WICK
Your name’s on it.

KORDA
My name is on many things. Corporations. Buildings. Charitable foundations. Several indictments. It proves very little.

Wick fires. Korda emerges holding a hand grenade.

KORDA
Grenade?

WICK
No.

KORDA
You don’t want it?

WICK
No.

KORDA
It’s complimentary.

WICK
Keep it.

KORDA
I have several.

Wick shoots Korda in the shoulder. Korda hits the wall and examines the wound.

KORDA
That was unnecessary.

WICK
No.

KORDA
I disagree.

Korda pulls another pistol. Wick immediately shoots it away.

KORDA
You’re very fast.

WICK
Yeah.

KORDA
I find that irritating.

Wick closes the distance, blocks Korda’s punch, hits him twice, flips him across a table and throws him into a chair.

Korda remains seated.

KORDA
Myself, I feel very safe.

Wick stares at him.

KORDA
This assessment may require revision.

Wick grabs him by the lapels.

WICK
Where is he?

KORDA
Belgium.

WICK
He’s upstairs.

KORDA
Then Belgium was incorrect.

Wick throws him through a glass display case. Korda lands among several antique pistols and picks one up.

KORDA
This belonged to Napoleon.

Wick kicks it away.

KORDA
Probably.

Korda produces a knife. Wick redirects it and pins Korda’s sleeve to the wall.

KORDA
That was custom tailoring.

WICK
Sorry.

KORDA
Are you?

WICK
No.

KORDA
I appreciate the clarification.

A single crossbow bolt strikes the wall beside them.

Wick looks toward the ceiling. Nobody is there.

WICK
Who’s shooting?

KORDA
I’ve never established that.

Korda pulls the pin from the grenade. Wick grabs his wrist.

WICK
Don’t.

KORDA
I already did.

WICK
Why?

KORDA
I thought you might forget why you came here.

WICK
I didn’t.

KORDA
Worth trying.

Wick takes the grenade, drops it into a silver ice bucket and kicks the bucket through an open doorway.

BOOM.

Korda watches smoke roll back into the hall.

KORDA
That room was insured.

WICK
Good.

KORDA
Very heavily.

WICK
Good.

Korda runs for the staircase. Wick follows. They are now fighting and shouting over each other.

KORDA
YOU KILLED THE JACKET!

WICK
YOU KILLED MY FRIEND!

KORDA
WHICH FRIEND?

WICK
YOU KNOW WHICH ONE!

KORDA
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT!

Wick throws Korda down several stairs.

KORDA
WOULD YOU CONSIDER WORKING FOR ME?

WICK
NO!

KORDA
HEALTH INSURANCE!

WICK
NO!

KORDA
DENTAL!

WICK
NO!

KORDA
ELEVEN DAYS OFF!

Wick raises his pistol.

KORDA
TWELVE!

WICK
Good night, Korda.

KORDA
I believe we’ve misunderstood one another.

WICK
No.

KORDA
That’s unfortunate.

Why This Fight Works

The comedy is not really that Korda thinks he can beat John Wick. He clearly cannot.

It works because the two men have completely incompatible relationships with danger.

John Wick treats danger as a technical problem: identify threat, acquire weapon, remove threat, continue walking.

Korda treats danger like a meeting that has become unexpectedly contentious. Someone shoots him and his instinct is practically to dispute the methodology. Someone tries to assassinate him and he wants to know whether the assassin understands the organizational structure. Someone has a grenade and Korda’s immediate question is whether perhaps everyone could benefit from having a grenade.

Wick also barely speaks because explanations do not improve his situation.

Korda almost cannot stop explaining because explanations are how he believes situations become negotiable.

That makes Wick especially terrifying to him. Korda’s entire operating system assumes there is eventually going to be a conversation.

Wick’s operating system contains a large button labeled NO.

Final Verdict

In a fair fight, John Wick annihilates him.

In an unfair fight, John Wick probably annihilates him.

If Korda gets an army, Wick works through the army. If Korda gets a fortress, Wick enters the fortress. If Korda gets a grenade, Wick takes the grenade away from him.

But if Korda gets enough time to negotiate, redirect blame, disclose an entirely different conspiracy and explain that the man Wick actually wants is upstairs, now we have a movie.

Because the funniest possible ending is not John Wick failing to kill Zsa-zsa Korda.

It is John Wick successfully shooting him three times, blowing up half the estate, completing the contract and leaving.

Then we cut to Korda waking up in a hospital.

He looks at the doctor.

“Do I need a transfusion?”

Next Versus Stress Test

For another killer encountering the wrong operating system, read John Constantine vs. Ghostface.